A Way With the Ladies

            After class today, I was telling a friend about John Donne’s “The Flea” and its seductive, eroticizing of the flea as a means of “picking up.”  It got me thinking about some of the sleezeballs that go around bars looking to “hook up” and how Donne’s character doesn’t come off much different.

Eloquent in his speech, the man is essentially a smooth-talker asking crudely, under the guise of allegorical elegance, “Wanna exchange bodily fluids?”  He plays on the phrase “carpe diem” (or seize the moment), a common technique in seduction pieces, suggesting that since their blood is already mixed in the flea, there’s no “sin” or “shame” in them getting together since, “this, alas, is more than we would do” (9).

Upon hearing this, my friend, a science student in a first-year English course, told me about a poem they studied by Andrew Marvell called “To His Coy Mistress,” and how he uses similar tactics in his attempts to woo a woman.  Interestingly, the poem is in our anthology so I was able to look at it afterward and man, is Marvell ever a sleezeball!  He is the epitome of the word. 

Basically, his poem starts with the speaker showering the mistress with romantic ideas of spending eternity together, during which he would praise her like a goddess.  Marvell says, “An hundred years should go to praise / Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze. / Two hundred to adore each breast: / But thirty thousand to the rest” (13-16).  While this sounds all well and good, Marvell shifts his focus to encouraging his mistress to seize the moment that has come upon them and suggesting that if she doesn’t, over time, “Thy beauty shall no more be found; / Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound / My echoing song: then worms shall try / That long-preserved virginity” (25-28).  Translation: “Sleep with me now, otherwise you’re going to get old and die, and worms will eat through your coffin and take your virginity because, if you don’t get with me, you won’t get with anybody.  Basically, I’m doing you a favour…” or something along those lines. Incredible.

"Nice try Sleezeball!" (That's what she said)

So, if any of you sleezeballs ever get a chance to read this, know that you’re not alone.  Others have come before you and paved the way for the douche-baggery you commit yourself to.  This being said, I think it’s time to come down from your high horse and get a reality check – women aren’t stupid and they can read you like a book.  Hey, textuality…